Tolkien Never Saw it Coming
by tourignyne
Summary: this is the middle earth they DIDNT show in the pictures... tolkien never saw it coming. a bit ooc. i suck at summarys, read the first chappy to see if you like it. please.
1. weathertop

~*~ Leaving Bree ~*~

Aragorn: We'll stop at weathertop and rest there for the night.

Pippin: Where?

Aragorn: Weathertop.

Pippin: oh. Are we there yet?

Aragorn: no

Pippin: Are we there yet now?

Aragorn: no

Pippin: how about no- *Aragorn duct tapes his mouth shut*

Merry: are we there yet?

All: 

LATER

*all have duct tape across their mouths, except Aragorn*

Sam: Mmmph muph mnph mulnph ( translation: did you really have to put duct tape on bills mouth?)

Aragorn: yes. And, just so you know, we're there now. *pulls off everybody's duct tape*

Bill: you know, you're not the only one here with facial hair

Aragorn: whatever. Anyway, I'm off to scout out the land, so you'll be all alone in case of a nazgul attack.

All: 

LATER

Frodo: *wakes up & sees fire* oo a nice fire I wanna sit by it I'm cold

Author: *cough cough* 

Frodo: wha- oh yeah WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! DO YOU WANT TO ALERT EVERYTHING WITHIN A MILE OF OUR PRESENCE?!?!?!?!? *sprays fire with fire extinguisher*

Smokey the bear: only you can prevent forest fires!!

All: 

Pippin: who are you?

S.T.B: I'm a bear that wants to be an ent! How do I sound? *coughs* hoom hoom, you can prevent forest fires, hoom, don't be hasty!

All: 

Frodo: Security!!

Lauren: you coming with us, bear.

S.T.B. : I'm not a bear, I'm an Ent!!

Merry: ok then

Sam: RINGWRAITHS!!!

Frodo: told ya so.

Pippin: run away!!

All: *run to top of hill*

Ringwraith Bob: hey, we're lost, can you give us directions to weathertop?

Ringwraith Howard: Bob, you idiot, we're at weathertop, and we're supposed to kill them!

Ringwraith Tony: oh, do we have to? They're so cute

Ringwraith Howard: no!! kill them, and take the ring!!

Ringwraith Ed: can't we keep just one? They are kinda cute

Ringwraith Howard: fine, then I'll kill them myself!! *stabs Frodo in the shoulder*

Ringwraith Boris: now look what you did!

Sam: Mr. Frodo!! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!! *starts to wail*

Ringwraith Jack: aw, it'll be ok he'll get better *hands Sam a tissue*

Sam: Thanks *sniff*

Eye of Sauron: you fools!! Is Howard the only one of you with brains?

Ringwraith Rick: well, when you've been rotting for a few thousand years, your brain starts to deteriorate

Eye of Sauron: silence!! You know what this means?

Ringwraiths: *gasp* nooooooooo!!

Eye of Sauron: yes!! I will BLINK at you!! MUAHAHAHAHA!! *blinks furiously*

All:

Aragorn: *starts lighting wraiths on fire* go away, or be burned into Kentucky fried wraith!!!

Frodo : ow

Ringwraith Joe: lets dump this place, man. *Ringwraiths leave*

Frodo: ow

Aragorn: let me find some kingsfoil to fix your shoulder! *runs off again*

Frodo: ow

IN THE WOODS

Aragorn: oo looky! Kingsfoil! And kingsfoil!! *Arwen sneaks up behind him*

Aragorn: and MORE kingsfoil!

Arwen: *sword is stuck*

Aragorn: and even more kingsfoil!

Arwen:* pulling on sword desperately*

Aragorn: and kingsfoil!

Arwen: *gives up on sword* damn it. *kicks Aragorn* so, a ranger caught off his guard

Aragorn: what th- oh, hi, Arwen! Guess what? Frodo got stabbed in the shoulder by a nazgul, and he's dying! Can you take him to Elrond so he can get better?

Arwen: um I guess

Aragorn: he's over here *leads Arwen back to camp*

Frodo: ow

Arwen: *puts Frodo on her horse* y'all can catch up later, kay? *gallops toward rivendell*

Ringwraith Tony: go say you're sorry, Howard

Ringwraith Howard: no, you idiot!

All Ringwraiths except Howard: then we'll say it for you! *start to chase Arwen*

Arwen: damn it. *crosses river and calls flood*

Frodo: ow

Ringwraith frank: *floating away* we're sorry!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is the first chapter of the new and improved, Tolkien never saw it coming. Review, please!

A note: Lauren is a friend of mine, who is the security, and a fangirl, in this story.

Wouldn't reviewing make you so happy? *ahem*


	2. the council of elrond

~*~ The Council of Elrond ~*~

Elrond: Welcome, friends! Men with too many names that happen to be kings, tall guys that are unaffected by dirt, short guys with lots of facial hair, and little guys with really hairy feet!! 

Gandalf: (clears throat) I think you may have forgotten someone

Elrond: no, I don't think so

Everyone: *gasp* Elrond forgot Gandalf!!

Elrond: oh sorry man, my bad

Gandalf: hmmph.

Elrond: Where's the tall guy that's unaffected by dirt?

Aragorn: yeah, where's legolas?

Legolas: (who shouts this from the hall, conveniently at the exact moment when they are discussing him) Aragorn! Help! The evil fangirls! (Legolas comes running in, followed by a huge group of screaming teenagers)

Fan girl # 199,845: I LOVE YOU LEGGY!!!!

Legolas screams and jumps out window

Fan girl # 372,598: LOOK IT'S ARAGORN!!!

Aragorn screams and jumps out window

Frodo: (hiding behind chair) make them go away!

Fan girl # 491,366: FRODO!!!!

Frodo's eyes get really big and scared looking

Fan girl # 483,529: AHHHHHH! HIS EYES!

Fan girls scream and run away

Everyone cheers for Frodo

Boromir: (sticks head out window) Legolas! Aragorn! Their gone!!

Boromir sits down

Legolas climbs in window, followed by Aragorn. They sit down

Elrond: OK then now we're all gonna die because of that evil Sauron and his little watchamacallit of doom. Frodo, my man, lets see it!!

Frodo crawls out from behind his chair and puts the ring on the stone table, then returns to his seat.

Boromir: Oh my god! This is a gift people! We should be using it! We should celebrate! (starts singing) celebrate good times come on!

Everyone puts their hands on their ears

Elrond: it needs to be destroyed, not used!

Gimli: well then what are you waiting for?

Gimli runs up and tries to smash the ring, but trips and instead send the ring flying into Boromirs hands. Boromir stops singing. Hands are removed from ears.

Boromir: oh la la la! (makes to put the ring on.)

Aragorn: don't do that.

Boromir: why not?

Aragorn: because I'm your king, and I said so.

Boromir: too bad (continues to put on ring, conveniently slowly)

Aragorn tackles Boromir and they both star rolling on the floor, fighting for the ring.

Elrond: (raising voce to be heard above sounds of fighting) so that means that someone will have to chuck the evil ring into mount doom! Way cool! But wait, there's more! Whoever takes the ring will be hunted by evil wraiths and orcs! And there is even the chance that the ring will corrupt you near the end of the quest and your finger will need to be bitten off in order to complete it! Any takers?

All: ( you hear crickets chirping, flies buzzing, and the sounds of Aragorn and Boromir fighting)

Elrond: well, how about you, Frodo?

Frodo: ummmmmm.....

Elrond: Wonderful! And the elf can go with him, and the wizard, and those two (points to Aragorn and Boromir, who are now fighting over nothing as the ring has rolled out of their grasp and been replaced on the table) , and how about a few hobbits? Great!! You can set off in a week!

-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-

If a get a single review that says its good, I'll update!! If I'm on a sugar high, I'll put up TWO chapters! So be good and review, kiddies!!!


	3. the eyes problems

O.K. people, here it is!! The Eye of Sauron (EOS) gets contacts!! It also discovers that it's allergic to the ash from mount doom!! EYE DROPS!!!!!

~*~ The Eye's Problems ~*~

EOS: *is crying large tears of lava* damn it!! I'm so allergic to that ash from mount doom. I should have listened to mom when she said to pick a site for my evil fortress away from things that would irritate me damn. HOWARD! JOE! I NEED MY VISINE!!

Howard and Joe fly in on their wyverns carrying a large bottle of Visine.

Ringwraith Joe: dude, we've got your eye drops, kay? * begins working a large pump on the Visine bottle. A jet of Visine squirts onto the Eye.

EOS: thank you.

Random Ork #1: your contact is ready!

EOS: oh I'm so glad, these glasses are so annoying *pulls off a single- lensed pair of glasses* 

The eye shrinks by about 10X

Random Ork #1: *gasp*

Ringwraith Howard: *gasp*

Ringwraith Joe: that is totally not cool, man. Let's get that contact in before all of middle earth sees you and realizes that you're not that scary.

EOS: realizes?

Ringwraith Joe: ummmmmm thinks.

EOS: oh, ok. Let's get that contact in. call the other ringwraiths.

Ringwraith Joe: Kay. *deep breath* DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDES!!!!

All: *wince* could ya take it down an octave or two?

Ringwraith Joe: sorry

EOS: in with the contact!

LATER

The ringwraiths are still trying to put in the contact correctly. So far, the have tried 78 times

Ringwraith bob: aw man, this is harder than I thought

EOS: *surrounded by a pool of lava* can we get this over with? Its making me water

All: sorry

LATER

Still trying to get in the contact.

Random Ork #2: we're at 104 tries

EOS: help

LATER:

Still trying

LATER:

__

Still trying.

LATER:

EOS: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Ringwraith Tony: at least we got it in...

EOS: you wait till I get the ring back!! You will pay for this, you goddamn fucking pieces of shit! Filthy little–

Random Ork #3: ah ha ha SCREEN CHANGE!!!

----SCREEN CHANGES----

Frodo:

Sam:

Author: ok then next chapter!

Frodo: at the moment, this is the last chapter

Author: well then let me get it typed

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


	4. ending up moria

Disclaimer: I OWN ALL OF IT!!! YES!! IT'S MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!!

Loraine: shut up, you own nothing. At all. And never will. Ever.

Tourignyne: *cries*

~*~ Leaving Rivendell~*~

Frodo: sooooo.. which way IS it to mordor?

Gandalf: no clue

They all walk up to a large lit up map, like what you see in a mall.

Legolas: its. This way *Points north*

Aragorn: no, its this way *points west*

Boromir:no, its this way *does an arm gesture that reminds us of jack sparrow*

Depp: very nice

Boromir: Well, have to carry on the tradition.

Tourignyne: *appears with Loraine and Lauren* I am the almighty authoress. Y'all can follow me!

Loraine: Don't trust her.

Tourignyne: Shut up

Sam: anyway. Can we get going?

Loraine: of course.

And so they set off

NEARING CARADHRAS

Aragorn: how did we get here so fast?

Lauren: the author is lazy. So she wouldn't have to type, she just put us here.

Aragorn: oh

Tourignyne: that's not true!!

Loraine: yes it is.

Tourignyne: well, how would YOU know?

Loraine: You can't type. I type what you say.

Tourignyne: *mutters*

Loraine: I'm stealing a line now not sure whose.

Tourignyne: that's not nice!

Gandalf: silence! She must steal her line!

All: 

Loraine: everyone ought to take a piece of wood, so that if we need a fire, we will have fuel.

Tourignyne: so onward, ever upward, o faithful followers of waldo!

All: 

- - -

LATER

- - -

Tourignyne: *singing. Badly.* LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW!!

Saruman: enough of the singing already!

Caradhras: alright! Shaddup! *buries tourignyne in snow*

Saruman: thank you! 

Gandalf: *gets out of snow* there is a fell voice in the air

Tourignyne: *unburies self* OH THE FIRE IS SLOWLY DYING.

Legolas: *laughs* I can walk on snow and you can't!

Loraine: *straps on snowshoes* oh yes I can! AND I can shut tourignyne up!!

All: you can?

Loraine: hey tourignyne if you shut up, I'll give you this JUMBO pixie sitck!!

Tourignyne: *shuts up*

All: YAAAAAY!!

- - -

LATER

- - -

Frodo: where are we now?

Boromir: yeah, could you stop whipping us from place to place?

Tourignyne: sorry. We're at the gates of moria.

Gandalf: silence! I must remember the password!

All: *silence*

Gandalf: it is in elvish of that I am sure.

Legolas: than why not ask an elf?

Gimli: or a dwarf, who would know the password anyway?

Gandalf: yes, but where to find a dwarf or elf?

All: 

Loraine: *cough*stupid*cough*

Tourignyne: hey, I thought I was the sarcastic one! 

Loraine: couldn't help myself.

Merry: let me throw a rock in the water

Tourignyne: sure!

All: -_-

Watcher: *bubbles up from the depths* howdy!

Amanda: *appears* I like mellon!

Gates: *open*

Fish: 

Boromir: that was weird

Bill: noooooo way am I going in there.

Sam: then farewell, oh my greatest friend! *sobs*

Frodo: I thought you loved ME!!

Loraine: god save us all end this insanity, tourignyne!

Tourignyne: and Amanda's blackmail

Amanda: hee hee

*screen goes blank*

*screen flickers on*

Tourignyne: one more thing

Legolas: end it already!!

Camron: do you feel anorexic?

Legolas: not another one!

Gollum: we hatessss them, preciousssss

Smeagol: no, no we loves the fangirls.

Allie: GOLLUM!!

Smeagol: on second though, we hates them.

Gollum: we better leave

Allie: ooow *leaves*

Camron: I'm staying for the rest of the story!

All:

Loraine: *is hitting head on wall*

Tourignyne: that's it!

*screen goes blank*

*screen stays blank*

*screen is still blank*

*screen flickers on*

all: ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Tourignyne: geez don't have a cow..

*screen goes blank*

*author notes roll*

well, thanks to my 3 reviwers

except Amanda.

Wait, including Amanda.

Krawkidile: that was SUPPOSED to be random you have given me high praise, AND been my first reveiwer! For that you win the(dun dun dun) TWIG AWARD!! *hold up twig* what do you mean, you don't want a twig? Oh well, have some cookies.

Mintandsage: I take my time to annoy you but heres # 4 and I WILL get around to reviewing your story eventually. I got stuck in the bathroom again my dad had to take out the doorknob. It waqsnt turning. Oh well. Hope you enjoy the update.

LadyElven: well, seeing as you used my name, it was pretty easy to guess mrs orlando bloom? You wish. Although what you see in that demon of hell I will never know *sigh* hope you enjoy the update, and please review!

Legolas: hey!

Tourignyne: tis true

Lauren: no its no- - 

*end story*


End file.
